Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
