turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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