She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
