the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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