feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
