What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My liver just had a heart attack.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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