Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
