whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
