we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
