My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.