pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
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