she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
