my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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