i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
