She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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