I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
