It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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