so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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