so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
