take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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