My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The best revenge is premature balding
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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