An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
