I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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