I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
