I'm jealous of your bromance
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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