Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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