This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
