I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
