Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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