Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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