come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
