Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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