Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
