He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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