At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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