Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
