every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Dating After Heartbreak
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.