Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
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you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
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it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"