i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
