there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
