2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
When did we convert life to cartoon?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
