I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
well you can't waste a boner
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Randomize
