i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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