OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
