I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
