operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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