How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
