I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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