Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
