I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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