id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Someone signed my nipple.
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