Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
