mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
