is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
