just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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