Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
