Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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