just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
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I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
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I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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