My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
