I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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