I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
