why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
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I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
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I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.