i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
